Your initial reaction to this title is that it is a criticism, an insult. We need to distinguish between self-centeredness, being grounded by your values, and selfishness, when your actions are indulgent to the point of being unnecessarily detrimental to others.
Self-determination
By definition, self-worth can only be judged by oneself. This issue is our reference point. We have in our minds the values we most respect and desire, such as love, clear-headedness, diligence, justice, and humility.1 Unfortunately, these values are not the ones displayed on Instagram, in fashion magazines, or found on a financial statement.
As a result, we are lured into adopting society’s opinions and values and unduly skew our self-assessment. We profess that we want to be known for our virtues, but likely spend more time catering to the public by developing an enviable social media image designed to garner more followers and likes.
Permitting this influence is an act of surrendering our self-worth to something we cannot control. Theologian and civil rights leader, Howard Thurman, brilliantly said, “…if you cannot hear the sound of the genuine in you, you will all of your life, spend your days on the ends of strings that somebody else pulls…” 2
We cannot expect to be entirely free of outside influence; it is continuously broadcast on our precious screens. We cannot stop exposure, but hope to tame its effect. Additionally, we cannot always refrain from our people-pleasing tendencies that fortunately have the benefit of helping us consider others’ needs.
Self-assessment should not prevent us from seeking the counsel (and sometimes reprimand) of those who love us and whom we respect. We cannot have a know-it-all teenage attitude that disregards our wise elders. While it is wise to seek feedback, we must be cautious that affirmation serves as a reinforcement of our intentions, rather than an opiate.
Manifestation
Excessive reliance on outside influences disturbs our peace and compels us to become thespians.
After I sold my business, my identity was no longer intertwined with my company, and I wondered how others would receive me. Before attending networking events, I considered what the attendees valued and how I could fulfill those expectations. Would I need to be witty, intelligent, accomplished, and prepare a list of conversation starters, thought-provoking interrogatories, or a larger-than-life personal bio? How much time would I need to prepare and rehearse?
After too many unnatural encounters, I realized I needed to prepare to be comfortable being myself. I did not want to be the environmental activist who travels in a private jet or the economic justice champion living in a gated community with a private security force. So, I decided to take my chances being myself.
Being authentic is no guarantee you will be highly regarded, but being inauthentic is a virtual guarantee you will not. Anyway, I want a relationship with those who desire one because of who I am, not who I pretend to be. I hoped Cyndi Lauper was right when she sang, “I see your true colors and that’s why I love you.” My experience has been remarkably positive, and at the very least, I disappoint fewer people.
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You will advance your virtues and avoid a great deal of discontent if your self-worth is self-derived and determined.
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1Consistent with this message, some may find their identity in God or faith-based values.
2Howard Thurman, “The Sound of the Genuine,” Baccalaureate Address, Spelman College, May 4, 1980.
Text edited by Jo Moore Stewart, Spelman Messenger 96, no. 4 (Summer 1980): 14–15.
