Hold Your Horses
We all have a nemesis: a sister who insists you watch her newborn every Saturday night, a boss who calls you on the weekend, or a friend who is always an hour late for dinner. Too often, we suffer in relative silence and tolerate the behavior because we fear disrupting the relationship.
We offer weak protestations that fail to convey our feelings adequately. “They should know better” is either presumptuous or hopeful. Finally, we reach a breaking point and, in one fell swoop, go from accepting the behavior to issuing a relationship-ending ultimatum, “It’s over if you ever do that again.”
Unfortunately, this abrupt, extreme boundary setting is ineffective and unfair. It usually elicits a defensive reaction, such as “It isn’t that bad, I don’t do it that often, or you are too sensitive,” which likely leads to counterproductive dialogue. A without-warning, last-chance edict does not allow the other party to mend their ways and may deprive us of a beneficial relationship.
Purpose
We believe a boundary is meant to control another’s actions, and we fail to recognize that we have as much control over someone else as we do over the weather. We can only control what we tolerate and how we react when the intolerable occurs.
A boundary is a limit. Its effectiveness depends on how we respond to its violation.
How
Begin by considering what you will accept, not what you have tolerated.
Remember, your best friends are occasionally late, fail to return a phone call, or tease you about your skinny jeans. Unless you are a glutton for punishment, you are attracted to the person for a good reason. What standard allows your partners the freedom to be who they are, while protecting you from the intolerable?
Communicate the standard in a direct, positive, and non-threatening manner. The objective is to create an environment where the relationship can flourish, not to kill it. You want to find a way to improve your relationship, not to set a trap that ends it. Properly established and enforced boundaries counteract relationship-eroding issues.
Now What?
Setting the standard is only half the battle. Since the offensive behavior has escalated to the point that you are setting a boundary, the boundary alone is unlikely to break the habit. Charting a new course of performance (behavior modification) generally does not happen overnight. You must anticipate a violation and plan your response (consequence).
When you set a boundary for egregious behaviors (e.g., abuse), you also need to emotionally prepare for the end of the relationship. However, you might find that when you stand up to the schoolyard bully, they back down.
For less egregious behaviors, you might accept another violation, but you must apply the same discipline required to break any habit (your tolerance of the unacceptable). When your tardy friend is half an hour late for your next lunch, do you leave or start eating without her? Do you tell her that next time you will not leave for the restaurant until she sends a message confirming she is on her way?
It will not take long to determine the boundary’s effectiveness. If your partner’s behavior does not change soon, they are communicating disrespect for you and your standards. If you do not respond by enforcing the boundary, you disrespect yourself.
By setting a boundary, you decide you cannot remain in the current situation. The reward of enforcement, whether an improved relationship or freedom from the intolerable, exceeds the cost of stagnation. If you are unwilling to set or enforce a boundary, accept the situation and cease complaining.
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Ironically, boundaries do not divide people; they build relationships. Robert Frost was right when he wrote, “Good fences make good neighbors.”
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