Everyone can point to circumstances not of our own doing (impoverished family, highly pigmented skin, surname ending in a vowel, went to Podunk school, etc.) to justify our less-than-desired position. All may be true, but they do not excuse us from responsibility for our response.
The Exemplars
Oprah overcame a very disadvantaged upbringing to become a billion-dollar media mogul. A Scottish immigrant who worked in a textile factory as a child eventually founded Carnegie Steel and became the world’s richest man. While I whine about the wind in my face, a completely blind man navigates his bike by clicking his tongue.
Went to a second-tier college? Two close friends who did not complete one year of college rose to become CEOs of multi-billion-dollar, publicly traded corporations.
You probably have not-too-distant ancestors or friends as role models. Leaving everything they had and knew in Ireland and Italy, my grandmothers immigrated here with little more than a dream. To lay the foundation for our family in the US, they took advantage of the jobs available to them, one as a domestic servant and the other as a seamstress in a sweatshop.
A friend recalls his grandfather, who escaped from the heavily prejudiced South in the 1920s, using his two feet for transportation and an ant-covered piece of bread for sustenance.
These overcoming-the-odds stories share one element: protagonists taking ownership of their condition and charge of their solution.
Use It
Comparatively poor conditions may motivate accomplishment. The migratory grandparents undoubtedly used memories of hardship in the old country to fuel their success in the new world. For adherents to Stoicism, the obstacle is the way.
The more challenging journey yields a greater sense of accomplishment and attracts more affirmation. A member of the first generation to receive advanced degrees might have 25 relatives from around the country (including his Nonna, who worked in the sweatshop) travel to Waco to see him graduate from law school. In contrast, my children received a card with a couple of dollars stuffed inside when they graduated from college.
Ironically, an advantageous foundation can be a millstone around one’s neck. How many descendants of well-positioned ancestors, raised with the privilege we wished for, have been crushed by the burden of high expectations and succumbed to substance abuse and suicide?
In the interest of responsibility, we may need to acknowledge our role in creating our current condition. When we complain about a direct report, do we take responsibility for hiring or retaining that person? Do we curse Mother Nature for losses to the property we purchased in a flood zone?
Of course, you can be victimized through no fault of your own. Each year, over 500,000 children are confirmed victims of abuse/neglect. These faultless victims suffer dreadful physical and emotional injuries. Fortunately, with the proper support, victims can transition into survivors.1
This most severe example illustrates that we have control over our response to misfortune arising from uncontrollable forces and can prevent it from becoming a permanent limitation. This ability comes with the responsibility to seek and pursue the proper solution.
In hindsight, we often come to a place of acceptance and gratitude for adversity. It is the reason old-timers, who, after complaining about their hardscrabble upbringing or life’s tragedies, punctuate the story with, “I wouldn’t change a thing about it.”
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Despite the circumstances, we decide who and what we want to be and act on our aspirations, or not.
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1If you are a victim of child abuse, please seek assistance, regardless of your age or how long ago it occurred. You can find a local resource here.
