Mind v. Sight
The image in the mirror is accurate, but the meaning we assign it can be as distorted as the reflection in a fun-house mirror. Depending on our position, we see tall or short, thin or wide.
I recently renewed my driver’s license, and the application asked for my hair color. I was inclined to respond “black,” but I have enough self-awareness to know others might view it differently. I explained my dilemma to the clerk, and she said the answer is based on self-reporting; the State does not verify its accuracy. I immediately cast aside any doubts or honesty and told her “my” truth.
Mind v. Sound
Our condition also causes us to project what we think of ourselves onto others’ words. A close friend, who was well-acquainted with my food business and the CEO of several companies with thousands of employees, told me that he thought my writing was good and that I was well-suited for this pursuit.
I interpreted his words as telling me I had not been well-suited to lead my food business. At our next dinner, I expressed admiration for his ability to identify this shortcoming. He looked at me quizzically and said, he did not say that and would not say that. He was merely complimenting my prose and my transition from running a business to writing.
Miraculously, I turned a fine compliment into a criticism by straining his words through my low self-esteem filter. Rest assured, I am addressing this deficiency, and the next time someone makes a similar comment, I will pre-book my travel for the next Pulitzer Prize award ceremony.
The Inaccurate, but Natural Inclination
Our predisposition to recall our unfavorable actions more than our favorable ones contributes to our difficulty seeing ourselves as we are. Do you first remember the time you dropped the ball instead of scoring the winning touchdown, or sang one note off-key instead of the voice that secured you the lead in the high school musical?
Even with tangible accomplishments, we may succumb to imposter syndrome and believe we are incapable or unworthy of what we actually do. Even with fifteen years of industry experience, you worry that your consulting client will discover you do not know what you are talking about. You are in good company; even the most successful actors, athletes, and business people worry about being exposed as a fraud.
What to do
Most self-deprecating thoughts cannot withstand the simple, straightforward question, “Is it true?” A detached self-assessment would most likely judge your actions and abilities much more favorably. Are you doubtful or think yourself incapable?
Alternatively, pretend you are speaking with a similarly afflicted friend. If they expressed pessimism or doubt, you would probably react by saying, “I wish you could see yourself as I do,” and follow with encouraging words. If you perform this exercise, you might be as good to yourself as you are to your friends.
If you cannot do it by yourself, ask someone for help. Wait, haven’t I preached that we should not form our self-opinion based on others’ opinions? Yes, and but. We should determine our values rather than ceding those decisions to others, but we can use an honest assessment from a trusted friend to decide whether we are honoring those values.
Be prepared; you will not always get the answer you hope for. Perhaps you are not as smart as you think and need some learning. Count yourself lucky; you found an opportunity to improve.
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Recognize that our biases affect our self-assessment. To see yourself a little more clearly, be honest with yourself or ask for it. You need the answer, for better or worse.
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