For Good Reason
Sometimes, wanting a quick answer or displaying your proficiency by supplying it may tempt you to short-circuit the development process. However, besides defeating the purpose of mentorship, there is a good reason not to.
Wrong
Yes, you might have considerable wisdom and expertise, but recall you gained most of it through error. What assurance do you have that your answer may not be the next one? In last year’s post, I was prepared to deploy my considerable experience and advise my mentee incorrectly. Fortunately, we went through an evaluation process, and she arrived at a better answer.
Finding It
Other times, you will not know the answer. My mentees stump me, and I sweat bullets knowing they expect something from me. In these cases, I nod my head, say “umm,” and stare into space contemplatively to encourage them to keep talking. Eventually, they say enough words that I repackage them into what they regard as a brilliant revelation. I readily admit I regurgitated what they gave me. My disclosure exposes them to their capacity.
Not Your Place
How can you possibly tell someone they should leave the company they have worked at for fifteen years or propose to their girlfriend? Given the profound consequences, only the person affected can make those decisions.
You might be able to suggest something they might not have considered or advice on how to make the decision, but more likely, they need encouragement to make it. We know people frequently agonize too long over a decision, and we can assist them best by helping them recognize the value of making one.
No Good Answer
There will be situations that are objectively poor and without a magical solution. Since poor circumstances may obscure anything that could reduce the pain, suggesting an alternative perspective may be the only avenue.
Barbara informed me that her boyfriend was moving to another city, and she was deeply concerned about the effect on their relationship. I asked if the distance might reduce the pressure couples living in close proximity feel to develop and “complete” their relationships. This perspective did not resolve the distance issue, but it reduced some of the anxiety surrounding it. Eighteen months later, I danced at her wedding reception!
In a more profound and seemingly hopeless situation, Viktor Frankl, psychologist, concentration camp survivor, and author of Man’s Search for Meaning, offered an inconsolable widower this observation: Your survival spared your wife this grief.
Effigy?
One mentee said he only needed a bobble-head doll of me by his computer to remind him what to do. Another said all she needed was a picture of me by her monitor. I think these comments prove the mentee likely has the answer rather than a commentary on the value of our sessions.
No Emulation
Sometimes, mentees compliment us by asking to help them become like us, and our lofty opinion of ourselves entices us to do it. I envision myself being the Archie Manning to Peyton and Eli. However, I refrain because I fear the result might be more akin to Dr. Evil and Mini-Me.
When people ask me for help with a sales presentation, pitch deck, speech, etc., I ask questions and offer suggestions to distill and refine the messaging. The mentee frequently asks me to slow down so they can copy my words verbatim, but I instruct (yes, that word) them not to use my specific words.
When a millennial sounds like a shiftless blogging boomer, it is obvious they are reading from a script and seem disingenuous. I am not a ventriloquist. My objective is to help others be the best version of themselves, and that requires them to make the most of their unique voice and talent, which are necessarily different than mine.
Can two people express the same message differently and be equally well-received? Gladys Knight and Marvin Gaye each achieved #1 hit status by singing “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” in their respective styles.
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Mentorship is not force-feeding or following in another’s footsteps; it is developing one’s unique, authentic approach.
