We spend fruitless time looking in the rearview mirror, ruminating over things we cannot change, and futilely hoping for a different past.
Self-inflicted
Sometimes we use the past as an anchor. We think we have been someone or someway for so long that it is our destiny. Remarkably, we do not have the same attitude towards ourselves as we do our bosses when they reject our innovative suggestion by saying, “This is the way we have always done it.”
Other times, we believe that one’s past makes them unworthy or incapable. I used to joke that God must be in prison because so many inmates find him there. I thought the convicts were impossibly mired in their wrongdoing – a leopard cannot change its spots. As I matured, I realized they were not only worthy but also capable, like those successfully pursuing 12-Step programs.
You may be ridiculed for your past, especially if you seek to help others through your example. If you spent years at Studio 54 with white powder in your nose and served as a warrior in the sexual revolution, your swearing off your party days may be dismissed as conveniently after-the-fact. I would say, “Sure, you had your fun and now are telling me I can’t have mine.”
However, many will find your example particularly persuasive. When Mr. Rogers and the schoolmarm tell me to abstain, I scoff at their lack of experience and inability to identify with my desires. Only later (and perhaps after a bit of experimentation) will I come to realize that if the person who partook says not to, I should take heed.
We will have regrets and wish we could undo or redo some things (I won’t ask you to examine your conscience for the times you cheated on your partner, fudged your taxes, or embellished your resume). There are no do-overs; Willie Nelson accurately croons, “Nothing I can do about it now.” For those struggling in this seemingly impossible space, re-read the message on self-forgiveness.
Ironically, it is not only the negative experiences that you must relegate, but also the good ones. Are you resting on your laurels? Did reveling in the game-winning shot in the high school district championship game kill your ambition? After your heroic effort chairing the charity gala, did you retire from philanthropy?
Inflicted Upon Us
The past also includes what others have done to us. No matter how good our upbringing, all of us carry some childhood trauma. Most have conditioned themselves to put it behind them, but some are profoundly wounded, and those wounds adversely affect their dispositions and decisions. If you fall into this category, I encourage you to seek the professional support you need.
The good news is that the past wounding need not define you or become a permanent impairment. Fortunately, there are countless examples of child abuse victims transforming into survivors.
Effect
Releasing the past does not mean forgetting it, as memories remain and resurface. The key is to put them in their proper place and to their proper use.
Miring oneself in regret and shame is a prison that prevents us from fulfilling our purpose. Just like physical confinement, every moment spent in a mental jail is a restriction on fulfillment and one less moment of freedom’s kinetic energy.
However, the past can be a valuable resource. Remembering the consequences may be the cautionary tale you need to avoid repetition.
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You decide whether to carry your past as an anchor or use it as a rudder. It may have been in a different context, but I think Clemenza’s command from The Godfather is relevant: “Leave the gun, take the cannoli.”
