OK, we can hold our tongues no longer; it is time to speak our minds. You may be like me. I let them know that their deeds or beliefs are wrong and, as a result, that they are bad. An unspoken, and certainly intended, benefit is expressing that I am better than they are.
Opportunity Lost
Our heartfelt expressions often come across as condemnation and are usually ineffective and counterproductive. The victim receives it as intended, becomes defensive, responds with counterattacks, and our words worsen the situation rather than improving it.
Our political rabble rousers are highly effective purveyors of self-righteous outrage, and equally ineffective at changing hearts and minds. Instead of following their popular example, we can seize the opportunity for redemption, transformation, and progress.
Alabama Governor George Wallace, the man whom Martin Luther King called the most dangerous racist in America, renounced his segregationist positions and became a civil rights champion. The catalyst for his conversion was a compassionate visit by Shirley Chisholm, a Black Congresswoman, while he was recovering from an assassination attempt. When it would have been easier to ignore him or say he got what he deserved, her unpopular engagement made the difference.
An Exalted Cyclops of the KKK, hellbent on school segregation, was so moved by his interaction with a Black female civil rights leader that he tore up his KKK membership card and became a civil rights activist. Their resulting lifelong friendship and collaboration inspired a silver-screen biopic.
A brief story provides a guide to a transformative response. A group asked the Judge if they should inflict the prescribed punishment on a woman guilty of a crime. The Judge simply requested that only the unimpeachable members of the group exact the punishment. Having none, the group disbanded. The Judge, who had the authority to condemn and punish, spared the woman from condemnation and dismissed her with an admonition to avoid the crime.
In each of these cases, the protagonist preserved the person’s dignity and avoided humiliation by choosing not to condemn them or rehash the offenses. Congresswoman Chisolm’s presence in those circumstances powerfully conveyed her belief that Wallace was worthy of her effort and created a receptive environment for her message.
Preserving dignity does not mean ignoring the offense or not seeking accountability. I am sure the Congresswoman had some choice words about Wallace’s views. In the guilty woman’s case, the Judge’s instruction to avoid crime was a clear indication of his disapproval of her offense.
Goal Sought to be Accomplished
Abstaining from the condemnation we desire is almost more than we can bear. Creating a witty, condescending, and ego-boosting social media post is easier and more immediately pleasing than pursuing change. Perhaps that is why it is rarely done.
Transformation requires focusing on the behavior instead of the actor. People have a strong emotional attachment to their identity, and shaming provokes a defensive reaction that prevents them from addressing the core issue coherently.
Accusing a man of sexism will not move him any more than telling me I am fat in hopes I will pursue wellness. Telling someone, “You are better than that,” is aspirational and an encouragement to fulfill that potential. Informing the sexist that he is better than demeaning or holding a woman down can invite change.
Alas, my approach does not evoke images of a victorious warrior holding aloft the severed head of his vanquished foe. But if victory is changing behavior, you may need to sacrifice your ego for a greater good.
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Eschewing conventional, degrading responses does not mean abandoning your principles. It means conveying your message in a way that instigates change. Surely the conversion of one heart is worth more than a hundred likes from the like-minded.
