NOT Friends with Benefits
You undoubtedly understand the importance of a frank interaction with a trusted confidant that leads to breakthrough growth. For this reason, I devote several messages to mentorship, and my experiences over the past year have continued to confirm my beliefs and provide me with fresh insights.
What
Mentorship is the process whereby one party listens, probes, uncovers, and guides another to an understanding that empowers the other’s advancement. It is different from subject matter instruction, loving advice, and professional therapy.
Subject matter instruction is necessary; I want a medical school professor teaching continuing education courses to my brain surgeon. Sometimes, I need the compassionate words only a mother or a longtime friend can provide when I have trouble at work. For my childhood emotional baggage requiring reprogramming, I need a credentialed therapist.
Mentors rarely provide answers; they cultivate your ability to think and develop approaches to any situation. Epictetus, the Stoic, expressed it accurately: “In this way you must understand how laughable it is to say, ‘Tell me what to do!’…No, a far better request is, ‘Train my mind to adapt to any circumstance.”1
Since mentorship develops your mindset, it frequently extends beyond one’s professional endeavors. While my mentor relationships generally started through professional associations for professional reasons, they quickly expanded to personal matters. I recently spent considerable time consoling, encouraging, and redirecting a young mentee about a romantic breakup.
Who
“They” often tell us to search only for a mentor who has done what we want to do, but demonstrated sound judgment is much more critical. In fact, specific subject matter experience can be distracting to a mentorship relationship.
My mentor during my final years in the food business knew nothing about food science, processing, safety, or regulations; he had rented TVs (millions of them) for a living. However, he knew a great deal about leadership, communication, and approaching challenges. His mentorship contributed greatly to my leadership skills and strategic thinking. If my mentor were a great food processing company leader, I would have focused on the nuts and bolts of food operations (the trees) and neglected developing the proper approach to lead my business more effectively (the forest).
Mentors will care deeply for their mentees, but are more invested in their progress than their feelings. In many ways, they are like sponsors in 12-step programs, considerate of feelings but steadfast in supporting sobriety.
Family and friends probably care too much about your emotions and may worry too much about how their words might affect your relationship to offer the necessary candor. Moreover, you may be uncomfortable disclosing everything you must to get the counsel you need.
In separate meetings, I passionately complained to a friend who is a highly successful business leader and my mentor about a low-performing employee. I wanted them to validate my feelings and sympathize with me. The friend listened empathetically, put his arm around me, and assured me I was right. My mentor interrupted to ask what I had done to develop the employee or why I retained him if he was incapable of development. He gave me what I needed, a redirection to the real issue.
One mentee told his sister that he told me things he did not tell his family, that we shared great affection for each other, and that our interaction significantly influenced his thinking and actions, but that we were not friends. The statements to his sister are not a negative observation; he understands and appreciates what our non-friend relationship provides.
Who are you comfortable being honest with and receiving honesty from?
________________________________________________
Mentors are developers, not teachers. Seek development and the wise person who can be candid with you. Next week, we will discuss “how.”
________________________________________________
1Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman, The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living (New York: Portfolio/Penguin, 2016).
