Flock Together
Noted author and motivational speaker Jim Rohn is correct: “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” While I have previously addressed the importance of our associations, this year I want to ensure I have not overstated causation to the point of ignoring the more significant correlation.
Moms use the Rohn principle to warn us not to hang out with troublemakers lest we become one. However, the teenager who went bad when she fell in with the wrong crowd went with a predisposition toward badness. How do we know? Because the pattern does not change. How many times has a child switched schools to escape a bad crowd, only to “miraculously” fall in with the same crowd at the new school?
Conversely, some use the principle in hopes of social-climbing and advancing through mere association. However, congregating with skinny intellectuals alone will not automatically trim your waistline or raise your IQ. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink (though the probability increases).
Your group reveals your character more than the group’s influence on it. Yes, your crowd influences your behavior, but no one can take you where you do not wish to go. Groups also employ social gatekeeping, admitting only those who are like them or who genuinely desire to be like them.
It Starts with You
If you feel you are in the wrong group, it is most likely because you are the wrong person, and if you want to be in the right group, you need to become the right person. Change can begin immediately, and with demonstrated commitment, results will follow.
You cannot expect to train with Biceps Bob or Pilates Pam on your first day at the gym. However, if they frequently see you with a dumbbell in your hand, it will not be long before they send nods of encouragement and exercise tips your way. Not long after, you may share post-workout grilled chicken quinoa bowls.
Once you begin to change, a natural self-selection process occurs. Those who quit drinking alcohol often cease socializing with friends whose social interactions center around imbibing. Similarly, those who begin more actively pursuing their faith journey frequently drift away from those who do not. People lose friends when they start down their new path. Fortunately, those more aligned with their new selves fill the void.
Brings it Out
Of course, your group affects your actions. I am not talking about when your high school friends dared you to jump off the railroad trestle and into the river after drinking a keg of beer. I am referring to the group that facilitates your development of desired characteristics through example and encouragement.
We all have friends who have made significant contributions to our growth. For instance, my latent desire to road cycle came to fruition when I joined a faith group that, coincidentally, was comprised of cyclists. Based on my cycling speed, we must hope they are better faith developers than cycling coaches.
The value of good associations is not a call to elitism, where we only select those presumably ahead of us to the exclusion of all others. No, you may be the person who can uplift another, and if you are firm with your values, another will not cause you to regress. Anyway, your associations reveal who you are, and their effect on you rarely overcomes your predisposition. The group can only give you what you are willing to receive.
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Do not confuse correlation with causation. Invest less time trying to get in the right crowd and more time working on being the right person. If you do, the flock will come together.
