You receive the dreaded phone call with news of a death and are faced with addressing those closest to the decedent. Even if you are one of them, serving others is good and necessary medicine. Next week, we discuss your grieving process.
What to Do?
First, express your condolences. Do not miss the opportunity to offer comfort, as one friend did when my sister died, and another did after my mom’s death, and have them used as examples in blog posts.
Second, do not think you need to find the perfect words; they do not exist. Any heartfelt words focused on the grieving person and the deceased serve their purpose. You may be sad and reflect on other losses you have suffered or on your mortality, but it is not the time to mention your Aunt Shirley, who suffered from the same terminal illness, or your recent close call with pneumonia.
Instead, tell the deceased’s daughter how proud her dad was at her college graduation or his joy upon the birth of her first child. A story that includes you is appropriate when it reflects on the deceased, such as when her dad was there for you when your son was in the hospital.
Third, do not fret that you are not close enough or that you need to wait a polite amount of time. Have you ever heard a widower say someone wasn’t entitled to express condolences or that they called too soon? You are far more likely to be insufficient than inappropriate.
A “bare” acquaintance consistently sent me supportive messages, including one on Mother’s Day after my mom’s death. I never thought, “You don’t know me that way,” or that she was not entitled to send me such personal messages. Instead, I was deeply grateful for her thoughtfulness and comforting words.
Fourth, please know that the world’s most ineffective question is “What can I do for you?” You do not need to be Carnac the Magnificent to know the response will be “Nothing.” Instead, identify a need and declare a specific intention, such as “I am bringing fajitas for 12 to your house on Tuesday at 5 pm.” If this overture is inappropriate, they will tell you, and you can adjust accordingly.
Fifth, be prudent about how you insert faith to avoid counterproductive emotions. Even a Holy Roller may feel abandoned by or angry at God, and you may unnecessarily aggravate those feelings by telling her that her daughter’s death is part of God’s divine plan.
Ultimately, your presence is the most effective expression of support. A warm embrace, hand-holding, and eye contact speak volumes. The grieving person wants to be heard, even when her language is silence.
Postscript
Just as important as the immediate contact is maintaining it after the initial grieving period, when communication often dwindles and the family feels alone, wondering whether anyone cares. Set a calendar appointment if you have to, but call or message the grieving parties. For how long? Your relationship will guide you, but they will appreciate any amount for any time.
My acquaintance’s overwhelmingly grateful response to my brief text message a year after her husband’s funeral proves its value. She responded with so many words of thanks that she barely had room to tell me they were doing OK.
Even years later, do not ignore the departed person out of fear of stirring painful memories. Do you think they will say, “I had forgotten about Don’s death until you reminded me”? In my experience, the family loves hearing their names and knowing they are remembered.
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Overcome your apprehensions and let your presence and simple words comfort the grieving.
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