Me?
After last week’s message, you may have considered who you need to forgive. Perhaps it is the parent who misshaped you during your formative years, or the internet troll who always makes derogatory comments. Yes, you need to forgive them, but the person most in need of forgiveness is yourself.
Why and How?
For the same reason you forgive others, you need to forgive yourself. Instead of being imprisoned by anger toward others, guilt and shame incarcerate you. They create feelings of unworthiness that rob you of peace.
Self-forgiveness goes beyond removing the unworthiness that holds you down; it empowers you to do good for yourself and others. I serve Cathy and my descendants more abundantly after setting aside the grief over the misdeeds they never let me forget.
As with forgiving others, you can forgive yourself without apologizing or offering reparations. Yes, you can and should seek to make things right, but it is not a prerequisite because it is often impossible (e.g., the injured parties cannot be located, they refuse the offer, or the reparation would cause more harm). Do not go to a husband to ask for forgiveness for cheating with his wife. For further enlightenment, see the amends step in 12-step programs.
You can forgive yourself when your friend has not forgiven you for stealing her boyfriend. We cannot allow the victim’s unforgiveness to prevent self-forgiveness. Those who feel guilt-ridden and undeserving are more likely to steal another boyfriend than those who are forgiven, who regret the injury and would avoid inflicting it again.
Yes & No
Of course, self-forgiveness is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. Unlike forgiving others, self-forgiveness requires remorse and a commitment to ceasing your transgressions.
You cannot be like my younger self, going to the confessional to ask for forgiveness for last weekend’s debauchery while I had already reserved a table at the discotheque for the upcoming weekend. Reformation recognizes that perfection may be unattainable, but it maintains the ambition for it.
Those hopelessly racked with guilt over the enormity of their prior wrongdoing may take comfort in knowing that, since our species began walking upright, we have done everything under the sun billions of times. On the other hand, the “I could do worse” or “he is worse than me” attitudes are enemies of honest reformation. Better role models are the “bad” actors who turned their lives around (e.g., former gangbangers who run anti-gang groups and the Biblical example of Saul/Paul).
Self-forgiveness does not erase memories of your past offenses nor make you feel good about them. Rather than allowing the painful memory to justify inaction or lead to recurrence, use it to inspire your reformation and your resolve to avoid the offense perpetually.
It is said we learn more from our failures than from our successes. We celebrate well-intentioned mistakes that led to success. The ineffective glue that led to the Post-it note is one of many examples. Can you treat your transgressions like your mistakes? You may not want to brag about your history of lying, but you can be the reformed liar who is now scrupulously honest.
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As with forgiving others, there is a faith-based component to self-forgiveness. The Old and New Testaments mention the need to accept God’s forgiveness, which washes away life-draining guilt.
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Allowing guilt and shame to keep you from doing better could be a greater tragedy than the original wrongdoings, as the period and degree of doing better may far exceed the prior offenses.
Commit to reform, forgive yourself, and go forth boldly.
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