Contingency Clause
Our egos can make forgiveness a bitter pill to swallow. When we view it as a weakness or make it contingent on the offender’s repentance, we fail to appreciate the purpose and consequences of forgiveness.
Offenses can spark anger that festers into hatred if left unchecked. Wise sages say that harboring anger is like swallowing poison in the hope that it harms someone else. Forgiveness liberates the wounded from the burden that inevitably results from holding on to anger.
Most people aspire to happiness derived from within and independent of what others think, say, or do. However, many cannot muster the will to forgive if the offender has not expressed remorse, apologized, or made amends. This position is like asking the person who punched you in the face for permission for your nose to stop hurting. Why would we make our peace dependent on the person who wounded us?
Forgiveness is necessarily after-the-fact and requires surrendering any hope of changing the past. Some say they live in a perpetual state of forgiveness and already forgive future trespasses. I’m not there yet; you will have to read their blogs.
Empathy is also an element of forgiveness. While it does not excuse harmful acts, the “Hurt people hurt people” principle may explain why they occurred, and our understanding of it facilitates forgiveness.
It Takes Strength
Those who suggest that a forgiving disposition is a sign of weakness do not understand the strength it requires. It is far easier to remain angry, submit to the natural inclination to protect our ego, and engage in the defensive reactions valued by our society.
Forgivers are those with a strong sense of self-worth who understand that it is not diminished by others’ actions. Instead, they thwart an offender’s ability to control them.
I chose to forgive someone who committed a heinous crime against a family member. My well-intentioned friends wanted to help me seethe in anger and wishfully plot a vengeful act. While forgiveness did not free me from sorrow, it freed me from debilitating anger and enabled me to better support my family member.
Close to Home
Of course, those closest to us have the greatest ability to wound because our relationships grant them access to our emotions. The criticism means more when it comes from our significant other. My children can recall, with excruciating detail (even on Father’s Day), some of my unfatherly deeds from their childhood. These situations are more obviously more difficult than a stranger’s hateful Facebook comment, but the solution is the same – forgiveness.
Consequences Remain
Under the right circumstances, forgiving and forgetting are best. After all, we want people to forget our past indiscretions and not hold them over our heads; we want them “to get over it.”
Unpleasant reminders are also an impediment to restoration. One of the things that was easier said than done was telling my friend that once he forgave his wife, who had had an affair, he could not use it against her.
Forgiveness does not erase the memory or pain, but it is a prerequisite for taming them. It does not require you to act as if nothing happened or to restore the offender’s privileges. You can and should maintain boundaries to protect yourself from further wounding or to preserve necessary reparations. You must remain apart from one who would abuse you again.
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I would be remiss if I did not mention the spiritual aspect of forgiveness, which is central to many religious faiths, including Christianity, Judaism, and Islam.
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Forgiveness is within your control. Do you remain in turmoil and deny yourself the healing benefits of forgiveness?
